It's all about the Oscarinhos
At the moment there is Hollywood fervour about the nominations ahead of this year's Oscars ceremony on 27th February. However, there exists a similarly named award, albeit slightly less mainstream yet nonetheless important, the Oscarinho. Here are some current nominations:
The Strangest Phenomenon Award - El Pepino: If he were ever properly examined by anthropologists, they would find that he doesn't belong to the species homo sapiens at all. The condition he suffers from of hair migrating around his body (from head to eyebrows, arms, legs and upper torso) stems from the fact that he is actually a homo hirsutus migrarus. This species evolved a hair migratory system as they passed from environments of different temperate extremes in their wanderings as hunter-gatherers. However, scientists are still confused as to the advantage of extra-hairy eyebrows - one theory is that they provided a primitive form of shade from the sun when hunting. El Pepino is the only known living example.
The Humanimal Award - Gatititata: Her name is a clue - a corruption of the Spanish for cat. This girl should have been born in feline form she acts so much like a cat - a perfect match for her partner, that other strange creature, El Pepino. Another original species, half-cat half-human; when in the presence of other cats she actually communicates directly with them by making inhuman noises and they share a strange empathy. Likes to be stroked like a cat which El Pepino does on a regular basis and prefers organic food. El Pepino needs to be careful as cats are notoriously fickle animals and can stray to the nearest source of food.
The Self-injury Award - Miss Uzu: One evening, having drunk most of a bottle of Jack Daniel's finest whisky, she succumbed to the notion that she now had night-vision. Switching the light off, she attempted to walk the four metres to her bedroom in pitch darkness but went straight into the doorframe face first at full pace. The next morning brought a shock to Oscarinho who thought he'd woken up next to the Bride of Frankenstein. Her lip looked so bad (like she'd had 20 botox injections) that when she went shopping, children cried and women stopped to give her numbers for abused women shelters.
The Undeserved Sexism Award - Oscarinho & The Flea: Walking back from the park one Sunday with Oscarinho, the Flea and Kumicoco, Miss Uzu saw a 30inch TV dumped outside a house and wanted it for her flat. After a quick look the boys thought it was broken and that nobody would have dumped a TV like that unless it was, plus the 1km carry back to the flat wasn't worth the gamble. However, Miss Uzu had to have her way and the boys toiled to carry it back, complaining with every step that it wasn't worth it. With only 50m to go the girls took things into their own hands and insisted on carrying the TV the rest of the way. They couldn't be dissuaded so the boys walked behind as the girls struggled with the TV stubbornly refusing their offers of help. A bus went past and the passengers stared (some amused, some indignant); picture what they saw - the sight of two girls carrying a heavy TV with two guys seemingly shouting at them from behind. Thus, Oscarinho and the Flea erroneously earned the title of the most sexist men in North London. Of course, back at the flat the TV didn't work and guess who had to carry it down again to be dumped because a certain pair of girls were too exhausted?
The Cultural Exchange Award - The Daffodil: He went away to China for a cultural experience but didn't realise just how cultural his visit would be. After seeing the delights of Shanghai and Beijing and sampling a few of the bars along the way, it was time for him to leave the orient and he tried to make his way to the airport in a taxi. However, he managed to get into a taxi whose driver had the directional sense of a headless chicken and so missed his flight. Being low on cash in a foreign land with his tourist visa due to expire (he was told to come back to the airport each day to check for standby seats), things were looking bleak for the Daffodil. Then came the hand of fate which pushed him back into contact with a Chinese girl he'd previously met in a bar - communication was basic but she took him into her home where he stayed rent-free, got fed and even enjoyed some extra-curricular activities with his oriental hostess. Apparently not a 'professional', the girl presented no bill to him when he finally managed to get on a flight home a week later. The Daffodil is currently waiting to see if any Chinese paternity papers come through his letter-box.
The Educational Gratification Award - The Bodger aka The Bagic: He gave up a steady secure job to re-enter the depths of further education. Sounds like a gamble to let go of something secure with one hand and step into something unknown, but The Bodger knew exactly what he was doing. He enrolled on an osteopathy course for reasons that are all too apparent to his fellow (female) students - it is very much a tactile experience. As osteopathy involves the manipulation of the body to cure illness, his favourite part of the course are the practical sessions when he gets to lay his hands on the bodies of young nubile females and then they in turn have to do it to him - all in the name of professional education. Sure to pass the course with first class honours as he already has extensive experience of these techniques, more commonly known as groping.
27.1.05
23.1.05
Interpol Warning
Article by Milos de Bombast from an international periodical published under various titles: 'The Porky Pie' - UK £1.50; 'Los Cojones del Día' - ESP €1.70; 'La Baguette Brûlée' - FRA €1.80; 'Die Grosse Wurst' - GER €1.99; 'Smoke & Poke' - NED Free in smoking cafes and brothels.
The international police agency Interpol has isssued a warning to London's Metropolitan Police about the imminent arrival of notorious Spanish criminal mastermind, El Tupe. Known in his native city of Alicante for several drugs offences, he has evaded authorities there and international agencies who are trying to stem the flow of drugs traffic through this Costa Blancan resort. The Guardia Nacional have tried to follow him on several occasions in an attempt to catch him on a drugs run but have always lost him in the vicinity of the small settlement of Santa Pola.
Local rumours are that he is aided and abetted there by a bald man known to authorities as El Pepino, who is understood to make several trips to London each year on 'business' to see one of his contacts named Gatititata (a 'plant' specialist according to police records), but has never been officially charged for any offences (although a neighbour made a recent complaint to the Alicante Civil Police that he tried to break and enter into his house via a hole in the kitchen wall; the case went to court but El Pepino was let off on a legal technicality after claiming that he was only rennovating his own house and created the hole accidentally - authorities are still monitoring the truth of this claim as not much progress seems to have been made on the house itself).
El Pepino pretends to rennovate - what a coincidence that his neighbour isn't home.
The Metropolitan Police have stated their belief that these visitors from Spain are part of an international drugs trafficking scheme involving Welsh criminal The Daffodil, who has been unusually quiet recently (as has his long-time criminal partner The Bodger aka The Bagic, who is rumoured to be studying a medical course in order to perform in-house operations on fellow criminals to reduce risk of detection at hospitals), but is reported to have forged new drugs links with the USA through an associate by the name of Chamone. It is also understood that El Tupe's contacts in London include characters known as Oscarinho and Miss Uzu (a duo comprising a Spanish criminal whose records state that he is from Alicante/Madrid and a former Yakuza member who was sacked by her gang for continually burning their clothes when ironing), believed by police to be seeking a way to flee the country to follow El Tupe back to Spain.
Police advise members of the public not to approach any of these named criminals or associates they may be seen with, but to notify them immediately. Further police information to aid identification reveals El Tupe's new alias to be El Pulpo (due to a new hairstyle, his notorious ability to roll eight cannabis joints simultaneously, as well as a certain reputation when in the presence of ladies) and that he has a tendency to speak Czech when drunk:
El Tupe aka El Pulpo
The international police agency Interpol has isssued a warning to London's Metropolitan Police about the imminent arrival of notorious Spanish criminal mastermind, El Tupe. Known in his native city of Alicante for several drugs offences, he has evaded authorities there and international agencies who are trying to stem the flow of drugs traffic through this Costa Blancan resort. The Guardia Nacional have tried to follow him on several occasions in an attempt to catch him on a drugs run but have always lost him in the vicinity of the small settlement of Santa Pola.
Local rumours are that he is aided and abetted there by a bald man known to authorities as El Pepino, who is understood to make several trips to London each year on 'business' to see one of his contacts named Gatititata (a 'plant' specialist according to police records), but has never been officially charged for any offences (although a neighbour made a recent complaint to the Alicante Civil Police that he tried to break and enter into his house via a hole in the kitchen wall; the case went to court but El Pepino was let off on a legal technicality after claiming that he was only rennovating his own house and created the hole accidentally - authorities are still monitoring the truth of this claim as not much progress seems to have been made on the house itself).
El Pepino pretends to rennovate - what a coincidence that his neighbour isn't home.
The Metropolitan Police have stated their belief that these visitors from Spain are part of an international drugs trafficking scheme involving Welsh criminal The Daffodil, who has been unusually quiet recently (as has his long-time criminal partner The Bodger aka The Bagic, who is rumoured to be studying a medical course in order to perform in-house operations on fellow criminals to reduce risk of detection at hospitals), but is reported to have forged new drugs links with the USA through an associate by the name of Chamone. It is also understood that El Tupe's contacts in London include characters known as Oscarinho and Miss Uzu (a duo comprising a Spanish criminal whose records state that he is from Alicante/Madrid and a former Yakuza member who was sacked by her gang for continually burning their clothes when ironing), believed by police to be seeking a way to flee the country to follow El Tupe back to Spain.
Police advise members of the public not to approach any of these named criminals or associates they may be seen with, but to notify them immediately. Further police information to aid identification reveals El Tupe's new alias to be El Pulpo (due to a new hairstyle, his notorious ability to roll eight cannabis joints simultaneously, as well as a certain reputation when in the presence of ladies) and that he has a tendency to speak Czech when drunk:
El Tupe aka El Pulpo
21.1.05
Holy Soho!
Last night some kind of miracle happened - possibly a skewed modern version of Jesus's feeding of the five thousand on a smaller scale. The Flea managed to find a drinks promotion where you get 50% off vouchers to use in various bars so he met up with a few friends for an evening's entertainment at one of these establishments in Soho. The voucher rules stated that their usage was limited to one transaction per person per night and the Flea spotted a loophole.
He set up a tab and the drinking commenced - bottles of wine, jugs of cocktails, beers plus some food all resulted in quite a session. When it came to paying the tab, the Flea used the voucher and the bar staff couldn't reject it as he was using it on a single transaction for the first time that night, in full accordance with the rules. When the final bill was split amongst the group, everybody paid only £7 for the whole evening's food and drink. Something happened there because that means the full price per person was still only £14 which, for the huge amount that was consumed and London prices, can only be described as miraculous.
However, for those involved the cheap night was paid for this morning in hangover currency.
He set up a tab and the drinking commenced - bottles of wine, jugs of cocktails, beers plus some food all resulted in quite a session. When it came to paying the tab, the Flea used the voucher and the bar staff couldn't reject it as he was using it on a single transaction for the first time that night, in full accordance with the rules. When the final bill was split amongst the group, everybody paid only £7 for the whole evening's food and drink. Something happened there because that means the full price per person was still only £14 which, for the huge amount that was consumed and London prices, can only be described as miraculous.
However, for those involved the cheap night was paid for this morning in hangover currency.
14.1.05
The Bournemouth Jaunt 09/08/04
Day trip away to the south coast for a spot of R&R on a hot weekend for a change. Oscarinho's first trip out of London; the Flea arrived late at the train station after telling everybody 'DON'T be late'; the Daffodil's skin skipped the brown stage of the tanning process and went straight to red; Pepino and Bodger attempted to recreate samba soccer skills with a fly-away ball and the girls sensibly did nothing more energetic than sunbathe and paddle in the sea.
13.1.05
Plant Abuse
Recently the Flea got into some trouble for failing to look after Gatititata's plants while she was away despite agreeing to do it and receiving the keys to her house. Below is the letter from his lawyers which stopped the case from going to court:
Sent: 06 January 2005 11:07
To: Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxx (E-mail)
Subject: ...las plantitas mortitas...
Dear Ms Xxxxxxxx Gatititata,
I am writing on behalf of my client Mr.Xxxx Xxx to pre-empt any claim you may be considering against him.
He has told me that you had a verbal agreement between yourselves whereby he undertook to care for your plants over the festive period in your absence. Unfortunately he did not carry out his undertaking with due care and diligence which leaves him open to a legal claim for the abuse of your plants and replacement thereof should any have perished.
In mitigation, he has made a personal statement of his sincere apologies to yourself regarding this regrettable incident and has stated in his defence that for much of the period he was inebriated and actually chose not to tend your plants in this condition in the fear that he might damage them. This evidence of care and good intention on my client's part may work to his favour in any lawsuit thus limiting the amount of damages you may expect to be awarded.
Hence, as my client has stated that you have had a good relationship in the past prior to his recent misdemeanour, I recommend an out of court settlement which would be to the convenience of all parties. My client has personally suggested that he buys you a drink in the pub, perhaps this Friday in order to bring this matter to a close.
I would be grateful if you could let me know your thoughts on the above at your earliest convenience.
Yours sincerely,
Charles de Gruyere
Senior Law Partner
Cabron Jefferson & Dickstein (CJD)
Sent: 06 January 2005 11:07
To: Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxx (E-mail)
Subject: ...las plantitas mortitas...
Dear Ms Xxxxxxxx Gatititata,
I am writing on behalf of my client Mr.Xxxx Xxx to pre-empt any claim you may be considering against him.
He has told me that you had a verbal agreement between yourselves whereby he undertook to care for your plants over the festive period in your absence. Unfortunately he did not carry out his undertaking with due care and diligence which leaves him open to a legal claim for the abuse of your plants and replacement thereof should any have perished.
In mitigation, he has made a personal statement of his sincere apologies to yourself regarding this regrettable incident and has stated in his defence that for much of the period he was inebriated and actually chose not to tend your plants in this condition in the fear that he might damage them. This evidence of care and good intention on my client's part may work to his favour in any lawsuit thus limiting the amount of damages you may expect to be awarded.
Hence, as my client has stated that you have had a good relationship in the past prior to his recent misdemeanour, I recommend an out of court settlement which would be to the convenience of all parties. My client has personally suggested that he buys you a drink in the pub, perhaps this Friday in order to bring this matter to a close.
I would be grateful if you could let me know your thoughts on the above at your earliest convenience.
Yours sincerely,
Charles de Gruyere
Senior Law Partner
Cabron Jefferson & Dickstein (CJD)
The History
It all started on a trip to Ireland, specifically in a Cork hostel. An improbable leap which left a young German backpacker (dubbed O'Grishstein by his room-mates due to his literary taste, the Celtic setting and his teutonic heritage) dazed, confused and with broken faith in Newton's Laws, launched the career of the Flea. Only one witness saw the full effect on the victim, but his testimony reveals that the young man lapsed into a comatose state after displaying a look of sheer terror. The result of bearing the full brunt of a Flea leap was evident in the morning when it was discovered that the victim had hastily departed (probably in search of counselling). Since this event, the Flea has gone on further escapades back in his home city of London, where ladies with clean hair are susceptible to his hairsniffing antics. He is small, knows no bounds, strikes at random and always leaves a mark (usually on his body after falling over).
Amongst his associates are an international motley crew:
The Daffodil - Insists he is a true Welshman but doesn't sound Welsh at all...However, looks like he should come from W(h)ales.
The (Artful) Bodger (aka The Bagic) - Sounds Dickensian, but the only connection is that he eats as well as Oliver Twist...'Please Sir, can I have some more (gluten-free gruel)?'
El Pepino - A man whose hair has a migration pattern similar to the birds which fly south for the summer...ie, the hair on his head has migrated to his eyebrows and arms (except the birds fly back north).
Gatititata - Companion of El Pepino who gets a speech impediment when in the presence of felines and is a houseplant fanatic.
Oscarinho - Real Madrid supporter from Alicante (que?) whose CV includes working in a gay-friendly pub...His favourite London nightclub is Heaven.
Miss Uzu - Japanese companion of Oscarinho who likes housework (especially ironing) and Absolut(ely drunk) Vodka...Known for her amazing drinking injuries.
Kumicoco - Miss Uzu's fellow Japanese Sunday afternoon drinking partner...Has hat-wearing tendencies despite them always being stolen on a night out by any of the above males.
Amongst his associates are an international motley crew:
The Daffodil - Insists he is a true Welshman but doesn't sound Welsh at all...However, looks like he should come from W(h)ales.
The (Artful) Bodger (aka The Bagic) - Sounds Dickensian, but the only connection is that he eats as well as Oliver Twist...'Please Sir, can I have some more (gluten-free gruel)?'
El Pepino - A man whose hair has a migration pattern similar to the birds which fly south for the summer...ie, the hair on his head has migrated to his eyebrows and arms (except the birds fly back north).
Gatititata - Companion of El Pepino who gets a speech impediment when in the presence of felines and is a houseplant fanatic.
Oscarinho - Real Madrid supporter from Alicante (que?) whose CV includes working in a gay-friendly pub...His favourite London nightclub is Heaven.
Miss Uzu - Japanese companion of Oscarinho who likes housework (especially ironing) and Absolut(ely drunk) Vodka...Known for her amazing drinking injuries.
Kumicoco - Miss Uzu's fellow Japanese Sunday afternoon drinking partner...Has hat-wearing tendencies despite them always being stolen on a night out by any of the above males.
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