Forget The Oscars

It's all about the Oscarinhos

At the moment there is Hollywood fervour about the nominations ahead of this year's Oscars ceremony on 27th February. However, there exists a similarly named award, albeit slightly less mainstream yet nonetheless important, the Oscarinho. Here are some current nominations:

The Strangest Phenomenon Award - El Pepino: If he were ever properly examined by anthropologists, they would find that he doesn't belong to the species homo sapiens at all. The condition he suffers from of hair migrating around his body (from head to eyebrows, arms, legs and upper torso) stems from the fact that he is actually a homo hirsutus migrarus. This species evolved a hair migratory system as they passed from environments of different temperate extremes in their wanderings as hunter-gatherers. However, scientists are still confused as to the advantage of extra-hairy eyebrows - one theory is that they provided a primitive form of shade from the sun when hunting. El Pepino is the only known living example.

The Humanimal Award - Gatititata: Her name is a clue - a corruption of the Spanish for cat. This girl should have been born in feline form she acts so much like a cat - a perfect match for her partner, that other strange creature, El Pepino. Another original species, half-cat half-human; when in the presence of other cats she actually communicates directly with them by making inhuman noises and they share a strange empathy. Likes to be stroked like a cat which El Pepino does on a regular basis and prefers organic food. El Pepino needs to be careful as cats are notoriously fickle animals and can stray to the nearest source of food.

The Self-injury Award - Miss Uzu: One evening, having drunk most of a bottle of Jack Daniel's finest whisky, she succumbed to the notion that she now had night-vision. Switching the light off, she attempted to walk the four metres to her bedroom in pitch darkness but went straight into the doorframe face first at full pace. The next morning brought a shock to Oscarinho who thought he'd woken up next to the Bride of Frankenstein. Her lip looked so bad (like she'd had 20 botox injections) that when she went shopping, children cried and women stopped to give her numbers for abused women shelters.

The Undeserved Sexism Award - Oscarinho & The Flea: Walking back from the park one Sunday with Oscarinho, the Flea and Kumicoco, Miss Uzu saw a 30inch TV dumped outside a house and wanted it for her flat. After a quick look the boys thought it was broken and that nobody would have dumped a TV like that unless it was, plus the 1km carry back to the flat wasn't worth the gamble. However, Miss Uzu had to have her way and the boys toiled to carry it back, complaining with every step that it wasn't worth it. With only 50m to go the girls took things into their own hands and insisted on carrying the TV the rest of the way. They couldn't be dissuaded so the boys walked behind as the girls struggled with the TV stubbornly refusing their offers of help. A bus went past and the passengers stared (some amused, some indignant); picture what they saw - the sight of two girls carrying a heavy TV with two guys seemingly shouting at them from behind. Thus, Oscarinho and the Flea erroneously earned the title of the most sexist men in North London. Of course, back at the flat the TV didn't work and guess who had to carry it down again to be dumped because a certain pair of girls were too exhausted?

The Cultural Exchange Award - The Daffodil: He went away to China for a cultural experience but didn't realise just how cultural his visit would be. After seeing the delights of Shanghai and Beijing and sampling a few of the bars along the way, it was time for him to leave the orient and he tried to make his way to the airport in a taxi. However, he managed to get into a taxi whose driver had the directional sense of a headless chicken and so missed his flight. Being low on cash in a foreign land with his tourist visa due to expire (he was told to come back to the airport each day to check for standby seats), things were looking bleak for the Daffodil. Then came the hand of fate which pushed him back into contact with a Chinese girl he'd previously met in a bar - communication was basic but she took him into her home where he stayed rent-free, got fed and even enjoyed some extra-curricular activities with his oriental hostess. Apparently not a 'professional', the girl presented no bill to him when he finally managed to get on a flight home a week later. The Daffodil is currently waiting to see if any Chinese paternity papers come through his letter-box.

The Educational Gratification Award - The Bodger aka The Bagic: He gave up a steady secure job to re-enter the depths of further education. Sounds like a gamble to let go of something secure with one hand and step into something unknown, but The Bodger knew exactly what he was doing. He enrolled on an osteopathy course for reasons that are all too apparent to his fellow (female) students - it is very much a tactile experience. As osteopathy involves the manipulation of the body to cure illness, his favourite part of the course are the practical sessions when he gets to lay his hands on the bodies of young nubile females and then they in turn have to do it to him - all in the name of professional education. Sure to pass the course with first class honours as he already has extensive experience of these techniques, more commonly known as groping.