Rock and Load!

Saturday saw the Flea accompany Messrs Daffodil, Bodger, Chamone and the Shiny One to the monthly vintage rock clubnight known as Heavy Load (downstairs at The Phoenix pub near Oxford Circus). A truly rocking night out with tunes from luminaries such as Led Zep, The Stones, The Doors, Black Crowes etc with the odd country rock track and more obscure bands thrown into the mix for good measure by a DJ couple clearly enjoying themselves.

It attracts a good crowd, some of whom arrive for the occasion with 60s-70s rock and roll style to the fore amongst other fashion elements from the period, but what really matters is the music.

Classic rock guitar riffs and frenetic drumming had everybody bouncing about with energetic abandon, several air guitar experts on show plus a few rock moves on the dancefloor (including an unlikely exponent of the Elvis kung fu kick - a portly character who startled all around him with this sudden explosion of energy). The cross-over country rock tracks thrown in gave interludes from carrying the heavy load, allowing revellers brief respite from all the fret-fingering frenzy before the load was inevitably picked up again. Being London, the crowd was also quite cosmopolitan which is always nice to see.

So how can you go wrong with an evening of great music in a nice intimate setting, with a decent crowd of friendly people incorporating ladies from all corners of the world? Frankly you can't, but the bar is quite short at this venue which means that there's quite a queue most of the time, so don't wait till everybody's had their last drop before sending the lucky person whose turn it is for the next round/heavy load.


The Unsteady Load (Chamone, the Daffodil & the Shiny One)

Which Came First

The Flea visited the Pillars of Hercules pub in Soho yesterday accompanied by his friends Learo and Robbierto. They went to pay homage to the Mad DJ - actually he's really called DJ Wheeliebag, but he is most definitely a bit mad. He plays every Wednesday in this establishment where he wheels in his home-made contraption which cleverly combines storage space for his records and a built-in turntable, not to mention the lights and the hover-board dolls (must be seen to be believed).

A true entertainer, he plays great obscure old tunes giving each a brief introduction with an interesting fact or two, which makes for a different evening out. The fun doesn't stop there as he runs a couple of quizzes each night and an alternative bingo game with totally random prizes up for grabs, courtesy of some one pound charity shop he frequents. However, don't let the fact that their fiscal value is only one pound put you off as these prizes tend to be quite special.

Last night the boys missed out on the quizzes having come joint top, but submitting their sheet after the winners had got theirs in first (who chose the coveted magnetic fish aquarium prize). However, the bingo game proved more successful and Robbierto went up to claim the philosophical prize. So, what was this thought-provoking prize??? Well, it was a wooden box containing a chicken family comprising father cockerel, mother hen and baby egg, which obviously prompts the age-old chicken/egg conundrum of which came first.


Robbierto & the existential chicken family

Cosmic Church Concert

Now it's not everyday that the Flea ventures to church, especially not on Friday evenings (he's been on a Sunday but that's only to worship at THE Church, where the devout families of Carlsberg, Heineken and Kronenbourg help wash the communion burger down) but that's where he found himself with the Daffodil last Friday.

In the vicinity of Holloway, they went along to a nearby church after hearing news that a concert of sorts was going on in this holy venue. Upon entrance, they were greeted by an almighty scene from the 70s, with late-budding flower power children strewn about the place surrounding a disparate group of 'musicians' and their musical paraphernalia in the centre. However, the Albert Hall this was not (though one or more of the musicians may have had a Prince Albert) - the music was drug-inspired and the ear needed drug-injection in order to appreciate it (we're not talking The Doors or Hendrix here, who were at least musically talented before they took the drugs). Well, imagine five people each attempting a different song but believing that they're in some kind of harmonious universal synchronicity and creating mind-melding music (sadly not the case).

Luckily there was some provision for the children of the earth who made up the audience, in the form of space cakes, paradoxically being sold from some non-environmentally friendly tupperware boxes (there were probably more substances to be had but it looked like the musicians had taken it all). Indeed, there were a few hippychicks swaying about like cornstalks in the wind, so the cosmic cacophany was at least being appreciated by some. However, the scene was too lean for the Flea and the Daffodil who decided to depart with Chamone and the Shiny One, but not before they met Him.

Mama Flea had always warned the Flea to be wary of men with large handlebar moustaches and this one loomed large. To be fair, the guy was gently tripping and full of love for all and sundry. Well, it's not everyday that you meet someone who in serious tone, introduces themselves as Rod Lightning, whilst not wearing the spandex outfit of a WWF wrestler. The Flea said something about a flash in the pan, which seemed to momentarily amuse/confuse Mr Lightning and the boys made a quick escape.

The Flea Spreads

No, not bubonic plague like some of his relatives but actually something slightly more pleasant.

Being the day of Saint Valentine, the Flea has a little goodwill to spread and hopes everyone is having a nice day, and that nobody has gone bankrupt through attempting to keep up with the romantic notions of this most auspiciously commercial day. An ancient and wise ancestor of the Flea, known as Confleacius once said: 'He who drinks a little everyday lives longer and has a well-functioning bladder and kidneys. He who waits until thirst is upon him dies sooner and suffers from a dry throat and kidney stones'.

Scholars are unsure about the metaphoric meaning of this, but the Flea's interpretation is: A little regular loving from a man to his partner will keep his health and relationship in good order; whilst the man who acts only when required (on special occasions including the highly spontaneous St Valentine's Day), leaves his health and relationship in jeopardy (ie open to a plate attack by a frustrated partner). No wonder the life expectancy of men is shorter than women's!


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The Mark Of Miss Uzu

Oscarinho and Miss Uzu have now fled their North London crime den, following El Tupe and El Pepino back to Spain. The plan was to leave without a trace but Miss Uzu had other ideas.

She wanted to leave her trademark signature for the police to find - her criminal calling card:


Miss Uzu's trademark iron burn

Unknown to her, Oscarinho and El Pepino expertly disguised it before their departure in the fear that police would be able to trace them using forensic techniques. Luckily for Miss Uzu, they are both black belt masters in the art of DIY.


The DIY skills of Oscarinho and El Pepino

A Criminal Mockery

Article by Milos de Bombast writing for ICI (International Criminal Incidents)

British police have reported that criminal El Tupe alias El Pulpo, appears to have evaded authorities and has now departed for Spain. It is believed that he arrived last week at the relatively small Luton Airport to slip quietly into the country, using the same ploy as the England football team after their elimination from the Euro 2004 Football Tournament in Portugal last summer.

To bypass airport security El Tupe employed the codename 'San Javier' to inform associates of his arrival.


The 1st Coming of San Javier

Despite his attempts at a clandestine entrance, his associates were slightly less subtle:


The Flea & Oscarinho await El Tupe

Nonetheless, El Tupe passed through security with no problems in typically nonchalant fashion:


El Tupe arrives

Police believe he was then taken to a North London residence (which was to be his headquarters for the duration of his stay) and then on into central London to a traditional English pub to carry out business negotiations. Here, witnesses report seeing him persuade local girls to remove their clothing so he could survey their talents with promises of lucrative jobs and a new life in the sun in one of his Spanish brothels.


A victim of El Tupe's business proposal

El Tupe was then reportedly seen in the King's Cross area where he continued his recruitment drive with the ladies of the night who frequent that area.


El Tupe & associates in King's Cross

As if taunting the police, the audacious El Tupe then telephoned Spain to give details of his new recruits to his brothel operators there, knowing that the call would be traced to the public telephone box he used.


ET (El Tupe) phones home

Following this and in full knowledge that police were on his trail, El Tupe and his associates then rampaged into the West End of London to celebrate the evening's business success.


The Flea, El Tupe, Oscarinho & El Pepino celebrate a successful night of 'business'

Interpol are renewing their efforts to locate the whereabouts of El Tupe and El Pepino, believed to have fled the country together to southern Spain.